I wouldn't be going through this...
I could have also titled this, "I don't deserve this." I can only guess that someone is not going to like my saying what I am about to say. However, there may be someone else who is thankful I said it.
"If God really loved me, He wouldn't make me go through this. He would make it stop!" "God doesn't love me." "He's torturing me." If these words have ever escaped your lips while hanging out in your thoughts, you may have forgotten just how much God has already proven His love for you. He has no reason to prove it further.
We read in scriptures that David was a man after God's own heart yet, he was a sinner, just as you and I are, and he suffered. Some of his sufferings we can see are clearly due to his transgressions against God, such as adultery and murder, but why would God allow him to be hunted by King Saul as though he were an animal? Consider it was so those who came after David and heard his story would see the work that God did in him and through him in spite of the odds against him. David, while being hunted, showed great character when he had the opportunity to harm Saul but instead displayed righteousness by cutting off a piece of Saul's robe (1 Sam. 24). Twice David spared Saul's life. This effected change in the battle between the two and their forces.
In the Old Testament prophecies God said He would send a Savior, One who would pay the price for our sins. Do you doubt Jesus knew He was to be that Savior? He knew, yet He came. He knew our sinful nature and our willful, continuous disobedience. Would you care to know how you are going to die? I know I would take great issue with knowing, not only the how and when of my end, but also to know that I would die in the place of someone who, by the way, I don't think deserves to escape punishment.
Christ's life on this earth began as a believed illegitimate baby, born in a stable, (not the fanciest of digs which would have been befitting of the King of Kings), followed by fleeing with Mary and Joseph to escape Herod. (Matt. 1:20 & Is. 7:14) With these humblest and threatening of beginnings, Jesus did not grow up with resentment or self-pity or even bitterness accompanied by a sense of the-world-owes-me. As prophesies foretold, He was not a handsome man, but one rejected, well acquainted with grief (Is. 53).
Throughout His ministry, Jesus walked long, dusty roads, just as those who followed Him. He slept wherever shelter could be found or simply under the stars, just as the disciples. He was not elevated to higher standards, although He was Teacher, Master, and Healer. He was tempted (Matt. 4) while fasting for forty days. I can barely fast for 4 days and my willpower gives way to "give me, give me, give me" pleas.
I could go on and on as scriptures lead me from chapter to chapter and verse to verse. Suffice it to say in this post, however, that Jesus knew how He would die. He knew when He would die. He also knew that some would accept Him as Savior and be granted full access to the inheritance of the Kingdom of Heaven, YET would continue to sin. Jesus did it anyways.
But you say, "God hates me because He isn't making the ___ go away." God doesn't hate you. God loves you more than you can ever imagine.
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.
John 3:16-17, ESV
I encourage you to read through Psalm 22, hearing the cries of the author. Feel the pain that Jesus felt as His flesh was torn to the bone and His clothing was divided among the crowd. Then sit at His feet. Ask God to cleanse your heart from the anger and bitterness. To fill this void with a peace and joy that can only be found in His presence. When you cry to Him, He will hear.
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